Rabu, 16 September 2009

worstest birthday ever @ 05.19

this is dedicated to my mum. :'')

dearlest mom,

it's seems empty without you here. i really hope you can see me from heaven typing this post with eyes full of tears. i just can't seem bear it alone. i missed the time when i was laying in your shoulders and you confronted me with a single smile and a short sentences. "it'll be alright" it's like magic when you said that. i felt a lot better. but now-- no one's gonna tell me that anymore. even if there is some other person. it wont be the same as yours. i missed you. all these years, i have to bear all of these pains and tears, alone. people thought im doing it right. but they just haven't see me in the inside. it's half broken and ruined. i can't seem to be honest with myself.

i know maybe you're watching me somewhere in the skies. and you saw what i've been doing all these times. and you're disappointed with me right now, right here, this time. im sorry you've been carrying the world upon your shoulders, you carried half of my sins in your shoulders. im sorry. i just can't seem to bear what've you bear all of these time. im sorry mom. that's all i can say, im sorry. :'(

mom. why did you have to go so soon? you're a kind, nice, and gentle mother. but you've gone. so soon. i just cant seem to bear it, when i knew that you're not here with me, when i need you the most. when all the lights seem so dark, and when i need your hands, and when i wanted to be close with you. but even if we met in the afterlife. i knew we wouldn't stay at the same side. you're in heaven, and im in hell. i wanted to take your hand. i wanted to feel your gentle hand around my shoulders again. i wanted to take a small walk and talk about the life i've been lived. mom, i wanted to ask you, once again. where are you now? when nothing is going right, where are you now? i just seem can't see the light.

please, take my hand for the last time, show me what do you want me to be, i need you to set me free, free from all of these pains, emotional pressure, and hatred. mom, im about to blow out the last candle, where are you now? now that im grown, where are you now? why are we so far apart? this distance, is the distance that i cannot reach. i wanted to follow you, but i just seem dont have the enough bravery to reach out to you.

so mom, im about to slice the cake right now. could you please, appear even just for a minute? and help me to slice the first cake? i just wanted to see you, i just wanted you to see how happy will i be when you're right here by my side. even just for a moment. :')

mom? where are you now? are you right here by my side?
do you watch me when im sleeping at my bed?
do you follow me to school?
do you pat my shoulders when i was carrying the world upon my shoulders? just like the last time you did?
but mom. where are you exactly? i just can see the light. am i that blind to see the pureness of your heart?

Label: family matter, life, others, rants, sadness